... "when it hurts, you know that you're alive"
At least, that's what I have been told. I guess people would find it pathetic how I have been
battling with this inner demon for much longer than I would have expected, because of love.
Yes, that four letter word that cause so much happiness and yet so much sorrow. Some are
lucky and find the one person that cherishes them and loves them with everything that they
have, forever. If you are anything like me, then you are definitely not in that lucky category.
My search for love has been enough to destruct me.
I know that this is the internet, and anything I say on here will forever be on here. However, that's okay. I don't care. I want people to know how I feel, I want people to be able to relate. I don't want people to always turn to those stupid sad movies that everyone watches when they go through a hard time, or go through this hard time alone. You may not know me and that is fine, just know that I am always here for you. I will tell you my story.
Love was not something that I was looking for. I was just a normal teenager doing some pretty weird things to try and get a cute guy to even notice me. Not for love, but just as a confidence boost. So, I met someone. Well, I met them on the internet. He was two years older than me, super cute, and had the same interests as me. Only problem, he lived in England. Yes, just my luck someone in England noticed me. For the purpose of confidentiality, all names will be changed and marked with an asterisk. His name was Nathan* and what we had was amazing, I had never loved someone so strong. We dated for 4 years, but have known each other for 6. I have loved him since the first month into talking, and I haven't stopped loving him, although he has stopped loving me.
It was inevitable I guess, it could not have possibly worked. I just wish that those 6 years of my life would just fade away. I know, its not what is expected. Usually people love to be reminded of those happy times, as it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all; but these constant reminders of past happiness just brings me down more. I thought that cutting all ties with Nathan* after his revelation that he no longer loved me would actually help me; but it hasn't. If anything, it has made me worse.
Nathan* was not the only guy I trusted with my heart. When Nathan* and I took a break, I met someone who lived down the street from me. I had always known his sister, just never personally knew him. He was super cute, athletic, a family guy, someone that was just perfect in my eyes. His name was Lucas*, we first hung out as friends. I knew that I liked this guy from the first time I hung out with him. I wanted so desperately to love again, to feel that amazing feeling. I supported him as a friend, I watched his basketball games and watched his volleyball games as well. Until the night he invited me over to go to use the hot tub. I was so excited. While in the hot tub, I felt a connection. I could feel him staring at me, I could feel that intensity. Normally I'd let the guy make the first move but I liked Lucas* a lot; so I moved in closer and eventually kissed him. I thought he would reject it, maybe I read the signs wrong; but he didn't, he continued on with it. From then on, we talked everyday, and hung out every weekend. Our time together was great, he made me feel that amazing feeling of love. The love I felt for Lucas* was so so strong, but it was not nearly as strong as the love that I felt, and still do feel for Nathan*. Well, you know how the story ended. Lucas* broke my heart, he just stopped talking to me, disappeared for no reason. I was devastated, my world was torn apart. I was a complete and utter mess. That was the last thing my young and fragile heart could take, it triggered a horrible sadness that felt like it would never go away.
Ever since my, I guess you could call it "break up," with Lucas* I had some pretty short lived relationships that were great at the time, but just a distraction. It was an attempt to distract myself from the reality of my problems. From the reality that I was not going to get any better if I didn't want to do something about it. So, I had faith. I sought help, I was prescribed with medications that could help. They helped, but only for the beginning. After a while, that sadness fought its way back in. I wouldn't let it win though, I joined a gym and did something for myself. I was never "fat", and I was never "skinny". I was "average", but I didn't join the gym because I wanted to be skinny. I joined the gym to help release that sadness through challenging my body to undergo extreme pressure, call it my version of "shock therapy."
I titled this post with lyrics sung by Tegan and Sara. "No matter which way you go, no matter which way you stay. You're out of my mind."
I know at first it probably didn't make much sense as to why I used that as the title, but I hope now it does. This post was my way of sharing with the world what I have bottled up inside of me for so long. It is my chance at freedom. These two guys were a huge part of my life and have helped shaped me into the person that I am today. However, starting today, they are out of my mind. They will no longer occupy my thoughts, or my emotions. Starting today, they will just remain my past. Who knows, maybe one day they will make their way into my future, but for now, I will just stick with keeping them out of my mind and heart.
P.S. There was another guy. He was amazing. He taught me how to truly be free and love again. But I screwed that up before I could even tell him that I loved him. He still means the world to me even though we haven't talked in 2 years. Please, if you have someone so amazing like he was, don't let them go for the person who doesn't even love you.
